Sep 22, 2019
A hug, a nap, a kind word: each of these actions can be reallyhelpful for those that are going through hard times. Jemima Mertes,age 6, shares these insights and more on this episode of Handlewith Care. Jemima is no stranger to sadness. As she speaks abouther safe place, breathing techniques, and how to remember well,Jemima offers wisdom for anyone walking with a child through tumultas well as for those that support parents during times ofdisruption.
- Jemima Mertes
I get kinda get all sad in my stomach and then my eyes getwatery. I think sometimes I say that kinda because I'm kind offeeling sad about Mercy but I don't want to admit it.
- Liesel Mertes
Why don't you want to admit it?
- Jemima Mertes
Cause I'm kinda scared. I don't know why.
INTRO
Today, we continue our miniseries on childhood disruption.If you missed our last episode, we are talking about how disruptionaffects children. By extension, we are also talking about theadults that care for them. If a parent goes throughdisruption, they are also interpreting and explaining andshepherding their child. I know, from my own story, howimportant and exhausting this role can be.
I hope that these reflections help in three potential ways.
- They help you better companion the children in your life thathave experienced or are right now experiencing disruption. Ifyou don’t remember, childhood can be hard. There are scrapedknees and neighborhood bullies. Someone is always decidingwhen you go to bed and what you have to eat for dinner. Now,factor in a divorce or a cancer diagnosis. It can all feelpretty overwhelming, for both kids and adults.
- These episodes help you show more empathy to friends andcoworkers that are parenting children through seasons ofdisruption.These adults are not only managing their own sadness andexhaustion, they have little people that are looking to them fordirection and guidance…and that is a really particular burden tocarry.
- Maybe these reflections help you to encounter your ownchildhood disruptions through a different light, to reflect on theways that you were met or missed and how that empathy (or lack ofempathy) might still be affecting you now.
My guest today is Jemima Mertes, my six (almost seven year old)daughter.Before she was born, Jemima’s older sister, Mercy,died at just eight days old. Jemima is the child born afterour great loss. Jemima has also experienced real-timesadness. Her younger brother, Moses, has had numerous openheart surgeries. Jemima has been my hospital companion,coming along to cardiologist visits and holding Moses’ hand duringblood draws. She exudes care and comfort. Jemima is theone that always remembers to pack snacks for sporting events,bringing extra applesauce and Cliff bars just in case someone elsegets hungry too.She is not readily overwhelmed, steady andcompetent and deeply attentive to the needs of others.
- Liesel Mertes
So, tell us your name and how old you are.
- Jemima Mertes
My name is Jemima Mertes and I am six years old.
- Liesel Mertes
What grade will you be in next year?
- Jemima Mertes
First grade.
- Liesel Mertes
Jemima, tell us some of your favorite things to do. What do youreally like?
- Jemima Mertes
I like watching movies. I like going to the store. I likeswimming. I like going on slip and slides.
- Liesel Mertes
Totally. Do you have any favorite foods?
- Jemima Mertes
i like pizza. I like popcorn. I like ice cream. I likeM&Ms. I like candy.
- Liesel Mertes
And tell us about where you fit in your family. Who are yoursiblings?
- Jemima Mertes
Magnus, Moses, Ada, Mercy.
- Liesel Mertes
And who is Mercy?
- Jemima Mertes
My baby...uh, my older sister.
- Liesel Mertes
Tell me a little bit more about her.
- Jemima Mertes
She lived only for eight days. She had a big bump on the back ofher skull inside her skull was cracked in two pieces and
- Liesel Mertes
What happened to her?
- Jemima Mertes
She died.
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah. How did you hear about her dying? When do you firstremember becoming aware that you had a sister who died?
- Jemima Mertes
I don't know.
- Liesel Mertes
What is it like being a sister to a sister who died?
- Jemima Mertes
Kinda sad.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Tell me more about that.
- Jemima Mertes
Cause you can't really play with them and you kind of think ofthem feel sad.
- Liesel Mertes
What are times that make you feel sad?
- Jemima Mertes
When I get hurt
- Liesel Mertes
When you get hurt. When you think about Mercy, when you talkabout times when you're sad about Mercy, what are some of thosetimes like?
- Jemima Mertes
Uh, it kind of feels sad and I kind of cry a little bit.
- Liesel Mertes
Are there certain times of year where that happens more thanothers?
- Jemima Mertes
Mostly when I am in school.
- Liesel Mertes
What is it like when that happens in school?
- Jemima Mertes
Kind of sad, but my teacher helps me.
- Liesel Mertes
How does your teacher help you?
- Jemima Mertes
She makes me feel better, gives me a hug.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Anything else she does to help you?
- Jemima Mertes
She sometimes gives me a snack.
- Liesel Mertes
Oh, snacks can be really helpful, can't they?
- Liesel Mertes
You've been talking lately, you've said, "Sometimes I just feellike crying and I don't know why." What does that feel like foryou?
[00:04:24.560]
I guess kinda get all sad in my stomach and then my eyes getwatery. I think sometimes I say that kinda because I'm kind offeeling sad about Mercy but I don't want to admit it.
- Liesel Mertes
Why don't you want to admit it?
- Jemima Mertes
Cause I'm kinda scared. I don't know why.
- Liesel Mertes
When you get really upset about something, how does it feel onyour insides?
- Jemima Mertes
My brain kind of gets, my brain kind of makes me eyebrowsgo down on my eyes. And you kind of start shaking. And then myhands kind of want to move a lot and so do my legs.
- Liesel Mertes
What are some things that are important for you to do toremember Mercy? Are there are things that are important as a familythat we do?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah we go, we sometimes go places for her birthday. We go toGreat Wolf Lodge for her birthday sometimes. And we also go to hergrave and I like taping stuff on it was kinda funny when thatpicture blew off the grave and then Daddy had to hop on it.
- Liesel Mertes
I remember that you put a picture on her grave and it like blewaway didn't it? I remember that
- Jemima Mertes
It was a picture that I had made with hearts and squares.
I like it that Jemima can laugh at this funny memory from thegravesite: we were trying to tape lovingly handmade pictureson Mercy’s grave on one particularly blustery afternoon when ablast of wind caught a picture and sent it spinning. Luke hadto run a good fifty yards in hot pursuit and make a divingleap. It was hilarious. And we strike this balance as afamily: how to remember Mercy well without too muchheaviness. My father remembers having to go to his mother’sgrave on every holiday as a child, how oppressive the cemetary feltin his starched suit. I don’t want that for my kids. Wetry to have visits remain short, they are allowed to roam andexplore. When we lived further south, sometimes Ada or Magnuswould just ask to drop in after school for a casual visit.Another thing that we do as a family is to try to do somethingreally fun in honor of Mercy during February. We have spent acouple of years going to Great Wolf Lodge, riding waterslides andeating pizza, so that Mercy is more than just a graveyardpresence.
- Liesel Mertes
What do you what makes you most sad when you think aboutMercy?
- Jemima Mertes
I don't know.
- Liesel Mertes
What do you wish that you got to do with her?
- Jemima Mertes
Play. Get to go on the slip and slide with her. Get to goto Great Wolf Lodge with her. Watch movies with her.
- Liesel Mertes
Do your friends know that you had a sister who died?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah, I sometimes tell them. I don't really want to cause kindof makes me feel sad.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. What did they do when you told them?
- Jemima Mertes
Say, Oh I'm sorry. And one day when I said, forannouncements, this was the day my sister died, yeah, they werelike, I said death day and they were like, what's a deathday?
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. Did you tell them more about it?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah.
- Liesel Mertes
And how was that?
- Jemima Mertes
Uh, good.
I want to interject an observation. I am thankful thatJemima felt comfortable letting her teacher and her friends knowabout Mercy and her death day. I think that it can bedifficult for children to find the space to bring up their siblingthat died. Mercy is very much a part of our family.Even as agrown-up, I can find it feels socially complex to bring up my deaddaughter. At what point in relationship is it appropriate tolet you know about this integral person that died, this little girlthat has shaped so much of my story? If I reel that, mychildren probably feel it too. So, a few years ago, wedecided to host a birthday party for Mercy Joan.Ada, Magnus,Jemima, and Moses all invited friends. There was cake and ashowing of Big Hero 6. We wanted to provide the children withspace to introduce their friends to the reality of Mercy in a waythat felt organic. I hope it helped…
- Liesel Mertes
We were talking about Mercy, but you've also had another one ofyour siblings who has had some hard times with their health. Who'sthat and what's wrong with them?
- Jemima Mertes
Moses. He has a heart problem.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah. And with Moses what has had to happen for him?
- Jemima Mertes
He's had to have his bones cracked open and fix up his heart andhave wires to patch up his heart.
- Liesel Mertes
What has that been like for you as his sister?
- Jemima Mertes
Kinda scary. I like when I get to visit him.
- Liesel Mertes
You go to the hospital and visit him?
- Jemima Mertes
Yeah, I like getting sometimes ice cream and I like having funwith him cause I don't really get to see him when he's in surgeryand I like watching movies with him in his bed.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah you're really good at watching movies with him on his bed.How does it make you feel, as his sister, when he has to havesurgeries or more tests?
- Jemima Mertes
Very scary. Cause I don't know what's gonna happen, what they'regonna say.
- Liesel Mertes
Yeah, is there anything that helps you when you feel scared likethat?
- Jemima Mertes
Kind of breathing in and out..
- Liesel Mertes
Totally. That breathing a great thing to do. Anything else thathelps you?
- Jemima Mertes
You smile, take a breath, and relax.
- Liesel Mertes
I like that
- Jemima Mertes
I have a lot of breathing I can do.
- Liesel Mertes
Did they teach you that at school? Yeah they do I like that.
- Jemima Mertes
And also going to bed makes me feel better.
- Liesel Mertes
Oh. Going to bed can make me feel super better when I have hardtimes too.
- Liesel Mertes
Tell us about your safe spot.
- Jemima Mertes
My safe spot is a place I made out of wood, blankets, andstraps. I put the stuff in it, like putty, that I can usewhen I am really angry and then I can remake the stuff and keepripping it.
Sometimes the emotions of childhood are so very big andscary. The anger, the sadness can seem totalizing. Thisis why we helped Jemima build her safe spot.It is a place shecan go when she feels flooded by emotion. As she mentioned,she has some meaningful objects in her safe spot. Picturesand thing that calm her, paper to write on, a calculator (she lovesmath) and putty. Putty by request. Jemima found thatshe could tear and destroy putty when she was really angry, but,unlike other objects, it could be put back together again.Especially in a busy house with four children, I have reallyappreciated how the space spot gives her a physical space that isout of the way to regulate and return.
- Liesel Mertes
I think sometimes grown ups don't really know how to help kidswhen they've gone through a hard time. What are good ways that yourfriends could help you or that grown ups could help you?
- Jemima Mertes
They can tell you it's OK and sometimes give you snacks and giveyou a hug.
- Liesel Mertes
Anything else that helps you?
- Jemima Mertes
I don't know
- Liesel Mertes
Anything else that grownups should know about kids?
- Jemima Mertes
That they love candy
MUSICAL TRANSITION
A few reflections on my time with Jemima
- There is great power to a tasty snack, a warm hug, and a goodnight’s rest for both adults and children.
- Providing children with a safe spot can help with unrulyemotions. Putty can be a great resource; Jemima found particularcomfort in a tactile expression for her large emotions. Thereare also companies like Generation Mindful that provide Time-InToolkits. I am including their information and a link to ourfavorite putty in the show notes.
- When you are feeling scared and overwhelmed, take time tobreathe. Jemima demonstrated a few techniques in our podcast.I love that they are teaching these techniques in school…and it isgreat insight for adults as well. Deep, rhythmic breathingcommunicates safety to your body and helps to stem the cascade ofstress responses in the body.
OUTRO
Here are links to the resourcesmentioned in today’s podcast
Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty: https://puttyworld.com
Generation Mindful: https://www.genmindful.com/?rfsn=654637.ab95e
